A diagnosis

Dear Friends,
I was diagnosed with diabetes about five weeks ago. It was a total shock. My first reaction was sudden acute anger. Unbidden curse words came to mind. And terrible fear. “Will I be able to hold my son’s children?” I headed home feeling like a wounded and marked man.

This illness has a particular fright for me. Years ago, I visited many diabetic patients who were in the hospital because of complications from that disease. Several times I sat with the unbounded emotional pain of patients who were recovering from amputations. I prayed with those who were undergoing complicated and unsuccessful diabetic caused vascular surgeries. They spoke of a slow process of pieces of their bodies not working properly. I have a good friend going blind from diabetes. I thought more than once, “I’m so glad that I don’t have diabetes in my family. The way I’ve seen that disease eat people up bit by bit, I am relieved that I will never have it.” And now I have it too, the disease that I most feared.

When I left my doctor, I called my Uncle. He is a diabetes specialist. He immediately spoke to my fears. He promised me that I could live a life free of adverse effects from diabetes if I applied the tools available with intelligence and commitment. Days later he even told me that I will be healthier than if I didn’t have diabetes because I will be so dedicated to staying healthy.

The next week was very difficult. I tried to learn everything that I could about the disease. Debbie and I went to four hours of diabetes training at Evergreen hospital. It was helpful and also depressing. At times I cried, or was numb, or angry. Sometimes I just felt so frightened.

What about my relationship with Jesus? Well, I was initially very angry at Him. Didn’t he know that I had enough difficult things to carry? Doesn’t he care? Ironically, the Holy Spirit spoke to me through the “dismal” books of the Bible – Job and Ecclesiastes. I saw myself in both the words of Job and the preacher of Ecclesiastes. When Job said, “God, I feel like you are an enemy because you do not stop these bad things,” resonated with that anger. “Yes God, why are you doing this… or not stopping this?” When Ecclesiastes says, “what is life worth? For bad things happen to you and you die” I said “Yes! It stinks!” It was important to hear my voice lifted up in the Bible.

I was angry with Jesus that he did not spare me this disease. I tried to be thankful that I had the diagnosis. You know, knowledge given which allows me to do something about it. But my heart was not there. But over time, through days of expressing my pain to others and Christ, I began to see His loving hand in this.

I opened my eyes to the miracle that my uncle is one of the foremost experts on this problem and that he loves me and wants to help me. I opened my eyes to the gift of the glucometer and intervention. I opened my eyes to all the loving support I have in my family, my church, and my friends. And I began to see that Jesus is healing me. Not in an instantaneous miracle, but in a process of providing good medical advice and care. A miracle all the same. I will hold my son’s children.

I am coming to grips with this. It is not easy. I have asked Jesus many times to help and heal me and he is. With His presence, I will do well through this disease. Pray for me.

Living by His grace, Pastor Charlie